Recently, I spent a week with my family. It was a week away from work and my normal routine. It was a week of laughter, fun, good food, and memories made. Here are 10 lessons I hope to remember as I am back at work and into my routine again.
If you know me in real life, you know I am not a morning person. I can get up early in the morning, however, I prefer to wait until the sun is up before I get up. This morning I was up before the sun as was my hard working husband. We leave for a much needed vacation soon, and have a long to do list that must be accomplished before we leave. So in order to check things off that list, we got up before dawn.
One important task for me was to ensure that my Woodstock Windchimes from my best friend were carefully moved before work on the deck began. I don’t know how long ago she gave these to me. I do know that they have hung outside my each place I have lived and called home. When I hear them, I think of her and I smile.
So taking them down is one way I say good-bye to a home. We have purchased a new home where new memories will be made. Our move is just across town to a beautiful new place that will be a lovely home for myself, my husband, and my wonderful mother-in-law. We have much to celebrate as we prepare to create new memories, and we all will be bringing with us (too much stuff and) many memories. This morning as I packed my wind chimes I gave thanks for the people who have walked this journey with me as well as the people who will join me on the next chapter of my journey.
Creator God, You made us in your image and you gave us the ability to be in relationship and to remember. Thank you for those amazing gifts. In changing times, you are our constant companion. In challenging situations, you seek to steady us. Thank you, God, for memories and for the time to make new ones. Thank you for this day, and thank you for the gift of life. Amen.
Life has been very busy lately. I haven’t taken the time to write on this blog. My to do list keeps getting longer and longer. Major changes are happening in my life (good ones which will be the focus of other writings). So with all this to do, guess what I did on Saturday? I went to the beach with a friend. We sat together with our toes in the sand. We talked, and we sat in silence and watched the waves and all the people.
Some might say this was a wasted day. Sure, I did not cross one thing off my to do list, and yet I do not consider it a waste at all. If God took a day off to rest, then we should too. (Genesis 2:1-3). I came back from my day of rest renewed. I heard music that made me smile and saw dolphins swimming in the ocean. I sat in wonder amazed at creation and God’s love for all of us.
Life is busy and we all need time to rest. So find your time. Mark it on your calendar if needed. And rest in a way and a place that is meaningful to you.
God of All Creation, You created this amazing world and all who live in it, and then you rested. Why do we think that we are more important than you? Why do we think there is no time for rest? As those created in your image, remind us to rest. Remind us to find those things or places or people that bring us calm and joy and to seek them out regularly. Open our eyes to all that may renew our spirits whether it be prayer and quiet time, a walk in nature, loud music to sing along with in the car, a good meal with friends, a good book, or anything meaningful to bring rest. With you as our example, Loving God, we will strive to find more regular times for rest. Amen.
Earlier this week, my husband suggested we watch Tidying Up with Marie Kondo on Netflix. Halfway through the first episode, he paused the show and said, “Are you ready?” My bewildered look was enough to let him know I was unsure for what I was supposed to be ready. He said, “We start with the clothes.” Looking at the clock and seeing it was 8:45pm on a work night, I wondered from where this burst of energy and excitement came. So, together we decided to modify the plan and begin some of the clothes that night as sleep is important. Now, after two nights of tidying all of the downstairs clothes have been sorted (we find ourselves in a complicated season of life with clothing upstairs and downstairs). Seven bags of clothing and shoes are ready to move on to new homes.
My long time readers may remember that this isn’t my first time time tidying. I reviewed the book and tidied up back in 2015. Keeping up with tidying is challenging. When I do this process (whether it is exactly as suggested or with my own variations), it is freeing. I smile when I see a piece of clothing that has been a part of important celebrations like the dress I wore to a wedding or the shirt I wore to my Grandma’s birthday party. And just because something played an important role in my life does not mean it still sparks joy, so I smile, remember, and thank the item for its time with me.
So despite all that must be done in the day, we are taking the time to take evaluate what we have and what we need. It is challenging and it is exciting too. If you are feeling overwhelmed with all the stuff living in your home, you might try this book or show and spend some time tidying up!
Gracious God, Why do we hold on to stuff we don’t need? Why do we let our stuff control us? Free us, Holy One, from the power our stuff has over us. Help us to surround ourselves with what sparks joy and to let the rest go. Amen.
I am grateful for the opportunity to combine two of my passions together in one article. I love great preaching, and I love supporting people as they approach the end of their lives. The piece I wrote for Working Preacher encourages preachers to talk about death and dying from the pulpit using Scriptures from the Revised Common Lectionary. It is meant to inspire more conversations about end of life in churches where people of all ages gather together in community.
So, I hope you’ll read the article. And if you attend a local church, share it with your pastor and say you would like to hear a sermon about dying and/or death. I don’t think that is a phrase most pastors hear often! If you need help starting conversations about death and dying in your faith community or local group, reach out to your local hospice. I’m sure they’ll be glad to support your efforts.
Today is a sad day as I remember that day seven years ago when I said good-bye to my best friend. As I was cleaning last weekend, I found something I had written years ago for her. I don’t remember writing it or even when it was written and yet I feel that it should be shared for any of you missing a loved one today.
When you are living life, you live it. You don’t remember every detail. Things blend together as one days moves on to the next. Only when it is too late do you try to remember everything. What was her favorite color, song, tv show, shampoo, food? When did we take that trip or take that class or play that prank? While I’m grateful for all the time we spent together, I’m sorry, so sorry for all the memories we made that I no longer remember. I know holding onto the memories will not bring you back! I just want to remember, to recall the laughter, heartbreaks, tears, fun, and everything we did together during the 12 years we knew each other. I’m hoping by trying to remember-I will not forget any more of our stories and she will live on not just in my heart but also in my head-even when I’m old!
Now that more time has passed I don’t regret not remembering everything that happened. She was the one who remembered the details. Recently someone asked me if I knew someone and I replied, “Oh, Kristi would know. She is the one of us who remembers people and important things.” I know now that even though I don’t remember how many Thursday nights we watched Friends and ate pizza or why we took that road trip through Kentucky where she sang Sweet Child of Mine. What I do know and will never forget is that you always answered the phone when I called, you always stood beside me, and you always were my friend. I am grateful for all the time we spent together.
God, Thank you for the people you put in our lives right when we need them. Thank you for friends who push us to be our best selves. Thank you for laughter and friends to wipe away the tears. Loving God, when the ones we love are no longer here because they are with you, remind us of the good times. Send us your Spirit of Peace for comfort on the hard days. Mend our broken hearts. Amen.
In my work as a hospice chaplain, people ask me questions that are huge life defining questions. And I find it helpful to reflect on them to better prepare myself for how I will answer.
How do I say a final goodbye to my loved one and when is the right time to do so?
How do we ask our loved one about her final wishes without making her feel that we are hurrying her death?
So before I share my reflections on these questions, it is important to share that I believe it is not my job to give someone the answers. My job is to help you find the answer that is right for you and to remind you (often) that you already knew the answer. I am not trying to sway a family to what I would do if I were in their shoes because I am not in their shoes.
How do I say a final goodbye to my loved one and when is the right time to do so?
In my experience waiting until a loved one is near death (as we see on tv) is not the best time to tell someone how you feel. I recommend being open and honest with your loved one regularly. This eliminates the need for a final goodbye and the sadness people feel if they weren’t present for a final goodbye. If you have always wanted to ask a parent something, do it now. If you want your loved one to know you love them, now is the time to say it.
There are times leading up to a person’s death when the family gathers around to be present. If I am invited into this sacred time/space, I will encourage story telling and memory sharing. Too often, the loved one who is dying is no longer able to participate verbally in the conversation.
My thought is to tell your loved ones you love each time you talk as we cannot predict what the future holds. I say this not to worry or alarm anyone. Instead this is a reminder that all life is frail and ends and I would rather my loved ones know I love them than feel guilty that I didn’t tell them!
How do we ask our loved one about her final wishes/hopes/dreams without making her feel that we are hurrying her death?
My best suggestion is to ask the question. Hey Mom, is there anything you regret not doing? Hey Dad, what is on your bucket list? Is there anywhere you always wanted to travel and never did? Is there a food you have never eaten and would like to try? I wonder if there are any broken relationships you would like to mend and if I could help you with that?
Sometimes it is easier to talk about yourself first! I have always wanted to travel to Tikal, Guatemala. Is there anywhere in the world you would like to go?
We can become paralyzed by our fears thinking that if we ask the wrong question that our loved one will think that we know longer want them in our lives. I think being honest is the most helpful. Mom, I love you and if there is any wish, dream, hope I can help make come true for you I want to do it. So is there anything you want to do before you die?
You might be surprised by how simple the request is. Some people just want to feel the sunshine on their faces or see the ocean one more time (that may be easier where I live than where others live) or eat their favorite French fries, or dance to a favorite song. If the request is a bit more difficult to make happen, be creative. If your Dad always wanted to go to Italy and that is no longer possible, turn a room into your home into Italy. Hang magazine picture on the walls. Play Italian music. Serve an Italian meal. Watch a movie that takes place in Italy.
Be brave, my friends! You are stronger than you know and can make it day by day through the hard questions of life!
Each day we live is a gift from God. Our response to God is how we spend that day. That doesn’t mean that every day has to be the most productive day ever. You may remember that God rested on the seventh day and told us to do the same. If each day we can brighten the life of another, ease a little suffering, spread a little kindness, we will make God’s world a better and more loving place.
Each year as the calendar encourages us to welcome a new year, my household reflects on the ending year with what we’ve saved in a jar. As I prepare myself to add another year to my age, I’m doing something similar by reflecting on the last year of my life.
This is how it started-
It included officiating a dear friend’s wedding, seeing my college roommate, planned and unplanned road trips, and funerals for people I love. I visited new states, ate delicious food, celebrated birthdays of loved ones, went to the beach, spent holidays with family, and fulfilled this lifelong dream.
This year was both heartbreaking and amazingly awesome. Some moments made me laugh until I cried and other left me crying until it felt like I had no more tears. Many days were just ordinary, regular days when I did my job to the best of my abilities. I cannot remember all the meals I ate and am thankful for my amazing husband who cooked so many of those meals.
So as it is now my birthday, what am I hoping for this year? I’d appreciate a little less sadness and more joy. If that can’t happen, I’d like to remember to look for the joy even amidst the sadness. I’d like more time with people I love. If that can’t happen, I’d like to be fully present for the time I do have with the people I love. They deserve my attention. I’d like less hurrying and rushing around which might be achieved by me saying no a little more often and leaving earlier than I think I should (this one might be one I can work on myself). I’d like to look back a year from now and say all in all it was a good year.
Loving God, You hear our hopes and our heartache. You see our dreams and our reality. You know our thoughts and our actions. You guide us and only ask that we follow you. So that is what we’ll do. We will follow you through the next year not knowing where we are going or how we will get there. We look forward to the journey and know that all will be well. Amen.
Shortly before Christmas, my husband’s Grandma died. Her death was the third family member we said good-bye to in 2018. While we found much joy throughout the year, it was a year filled with many hard, grief-filled days.
My Mother-in-law asked if I would read Scripture, pray and do a faith eulogy at Grandma’s service. I consider it a privilege to be asked to participate in a special moment like this.
Here are the words I shared at her funeral and I am sharing them with you on what would have been her 90th birthday.
I was asked to speak about Grandma Clark and her faith. Many of you have known her much longer than I have. I first met her 13 years ago when her grandson now my husband, Richard, asked me to come home with him for Christmas to meet his family.
Grandma was a women of faith who relied on her faith and hard work throughout her life. Her faith and her family are what sustained her when she needed to make difficult decisions. Her faith strengthened her when she said goodbye to loved ones resting in the assurance that she would see them again.
For some time, Grandma has been ready to be with Jesus. As it became more difficult for her to be as independent as she wanted to be and we all know that she wanted to do everything by herself and didn’t want to ask for any assistance. As she had to relinquish more and more independence, she would ask why am I still here? And her daughter Mary would tell her that God needed her to stay here with us a little longer and when God was ready she would be called home. That finally happened. And even though she was ready, I am not sure we were.
We will remember her determination and strength. We never forget her fierce independence and how she fought to keep control of all that she could by living alone as long as possible and not wanting to give up her car.
My hope is that we all will continue to tell her story and remember her through our laughter and tears.
And we take comfort in knowing that she is not in pain anymore, that she now can move and walk without any challenges, and that is reunited with her loved ones who have gone before her.
So today and in the coming days, rely on your faith and your family as Grandma did as the strength and support to help you through the hard days and the joy that is with you on the good days.
One-Protect me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
All-You are our safe place. This is our sanctuary where we seek you.
One-The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.
All-I keep the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.
One-We stand firm because we keep God before us.
All-Therefore, we will rejoice and be glad.
One-Therefore my heart is glad, and my soul rejoices; my body also rests secure.
All-We rest secure in you, Holy One.
One-You show me the path of life. In your presence there is fullness of joy; in your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
The words in Italics are from Psalm 16 in the New Revised Standard Version.