Hospice

Well, this day has finally arrived. Today is my last day at Coastal Hospice. After 8 years of visiting people in their homes to support them at the end of life, this is the end of my time doing this work. As for what comes next, stay tuned for more updates on that. Today is a day to celebrate and give thanks for my time at hospice.

I have loved meeting people and hearing their stories. My heart has ached when I entered the same home again for another family member nearing death, and yet that was also the beauty of doing this work for so long. If a second family member needed our services, families knew they would get the support they needed for this hard time.

So many people think hospice is all tears and sadness. I worked hard to help people understand that we are here to help with meaning making, to celebrate the joys-I cannot even add up how many birthdays I helped celebrate, and to make this part of the journey a little easier. I baptized someone in a swimming pool. I officiated a wedding in a living room. I served communion and brought ashes to homes for Ash Wednesday. I sang Christmas carols in July. I watched birds eating from feeders and sat outside sweating with people who loved the outdoors.

I love hospice because we treat the patient as a whole person recognizing they have physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. We work together as a team to meet those needs and to equip and support the families who are dealing with changing roles and often anticipatory grief.

It has been a joy to do this work. I have laughed and cried and offered hugs and prayed and learned so many fun facts and met so many interesting people. Saying goodbye is so hard. I have had the privilege of working along side so many amazing and dedicated people who feel called to this work. Together we have done it well. I will miss you and this good, hard work!

I was asked to write an article for Coastal Hospice’s quarterly newsletter about joy and hope in hospice chaplaincy. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy doing this work!

I am often asked how do you do your job? The assumption behind this question is that the work of a hospice chaplain/spiritual counselor must be so sad. And yes, I have the privilege to be with people for hard conversations and tearful goodbyes. What you might be surprised to know is that just as often I get to share in moments of joy and hope too.

Here are just a few examples. A 90 year old hospice patient pulled up his pant leg to show me his super hero socks and requested the next time I visit that I must wear fun socks too. For my next visit, the nurse and I visited together and everyone smiled as we showed off our fun socks. This has become a regular ritual of everyone showing off their socks at each visit.

Hospice chaplains can do weddings! I gathered with a couple and their families and dogs in a living room and officiated their marriage. They had planned to get married and had never made the time. I was able to fulfill this goal for them in their own home. 

We help celebrate special days. I have enjoyed many pieces of birthday cake with patients and families as we celebrate another year of life. I have eaten at the Chinese buffet with a patient and her hospice team because she loved Chinese food and wanted to enjoy it with the people who helped care for her. 

I have a patient who loves music and laughs each time I sing songs from the 50s and 60s with her. When she is done laughing at my singing, she sings along.

As a chaplain, I am welcomed into someone’s home and invited to be part of their journey. I consider it a privilege to celebrate the important and everyday moments of life along with hospice patients and families.

I love to ask someone what they loved about their significant other in my work at hospice. It can be a great way to learn so much about both of them. I like to ask how they met and what is the secret to their years together. Sometimes I get an immediate answer. Sometimes they say I don’t know and promise to think more about it.

My spouse and I are away celebrating (belatedly) 15 years of marriage. Here is what happened today that answers that question for me.

My husband has wanted to do deep sea fishing for years. I mean years and years. He scheduled the two of us to go. The plan was to go and catch lots of fish and then eat them together in a delicious meal. Great plan! On this beautifully, warm day, we hit the open water. He reeled in a mahi-mahi. I reeled in a red snapper. And then I realized I was not made to do deep sea fishing. I promise no details except I was sick! And you know what, not one time was my spouse grumpy or upset that we had to return to land earlier than planned. Not one time! Instead he said you were out here for a long time and we caught fish!

So the next time someone asks me the secret to marriage, I will share this story. And say find someone who keeps on loving you even you puke all over their dreams.

I remember when my buddy, Kristi, died. The grief was overwhelming. I cried and cried. Everywhere I turned something reminded me of her. I found ways to honor her memory including hanging up our picture and my husband making me a bench in the backyard so I could sit in nature and remember our stories.

Ten years have passed since her death. It doesn’t seem possible, and yet, it is. The memories still come and sometimes the tears too. What I feel now is often a sadness that for the things/people she didn’t get to meet that are important in my life and for our adventures not taken.

Yesterday as I was driving, I heard a song that made me smile. Kenny Chesney’s Happy on the Hey Now. He sings about a friend who died and his memories of this person. And then I heard him call her Kristi. And I thought I was imagining it. So I kept listening and turned it up. I heard Kristi again and again. When I was done driving, I looked it up and saw that the song is called Happy on the Hey Now (A Song for Kristi).

As I was listening to this song, I was smiling. I didn’t tear up although the next time I hear it I might. It isn’t the song I would have written for my Buddy, and I could still see her in this song too. The Kristi in the song loves to dance as did my dear friend. She lived her life in the moment which is something Kristi pushed me to do too.

“I hope time can be our healer, maybe time can be a friend. Still I’m a strong believer, someday we’ll see you again.”

For those of you grieving, my hope for you is moments like this where a good memory surprises you. You picture your loved one doing something they loved to do. You embrace whatever emotions come. And the grieving that was overwhelming is much less so. You love and miss your loved one and always will. And they live on in you and in all those who love them and keep their memories alive.

Or as Kenny sings, “And you will live with us as long as memories stay alive. And you left us with so many, Kristi, you will never die.”

Each Summer the hospice where I work partners with the local university’s school of social work to host a camp for children who had a loved one die in the last year. It is wonderfully life changing and exhausting week. Due to COVID, our last two camps have not happened. I am so delighted to share that we had camp last week for the first time since 2019!

Obviously, I will not be sharing any stories about the campers because we promise to hold their stories in confidence. What I would like to share is the importance of this week to me.

Camp week is my chance to focus on children and families again. I love working with children and their families. At this time, my calling is leading me to hospice where I don’t get to spend too much time with children. During camp week, it is kids all the time. Which reminds me how much energy is needed to work with children and how amazing they are all at the same time.

Camp week is a break from the normal routines of work. During this week my fabulous colleagues care for any patient needs that arise for the patients in my care. My whole focus is camp. This one week’s change in focus gives me a break from routine and reinvigorates me to return to my routine again.

Camp week is a reminder that play is necessary in life. When we play volleyball with blankets and water balloons, I laugh at the challenge and cheer when we succeed in working as a team. Drawing with sidewalk chalk is a reminder that we all need time to be creative. Singing silly songs and playing bonding games is a chance to play and have fun.

During Camp Week, I get to see the gifts of my colleagues in action as we work together toward a common goal. In my regular work, I work as a team however we are not often in the same physical space at the same time. For camp week, we work side by side seeing and hearing how well we do our jobs. It is an opportunity to be reminded in person how amazing my colleagues are and how dedicated they are to this work.

As I reflect on the joys and struggles of last week, I am grateful for everything. I look forward to the opportunity to do it again and am thankful it won’t be for another year. My hope for you, dear reader, is that there are opportunities like this in your life where you are stretched and challenged to open you up to growth and a change in perspective.

I ended the week by privately praying for each child in my care as well as each adult. It was a time to ask God’s blessing on each of us and say goodbye. This personal closing ritual helped me not to hold on to everyone and instead to let them go. It gave me permission to return to my regular work with the assurance that God would continue to care for each of us and my work here was done. I encourage you to pray a private blessing when your work is done as a reminder to yourself to break from what you were doing and move on to caring for yourself for this time. Peace to you all today.