Talking with Children about Death

While this blog post is entitled “talking with children about death”, the information contained here can be used for any difficult topic that must be discussed with children.

Here are some important things to remember.

1)Answer the question that is being asked. No need to share too much information. Simply answer the question being asked in age-appropriate words and descriptions.

2)Be honest. If you don’t have an answer, say that. If this is hard for you to talk about, say that. Children want to know the truth as they are figuring out how to navigate this world.

3)Remain true to your beliefs. When answering questions about death, don’t tell your children things that don’t align with your belief system. If you are answering questions for someone else’s child, ask the child what they have been told by a guardian already to ensure that you are supporting the beliefs of the family.

4)Share your feelings. You do not need to share all your feelings with the children in your life when you are grieving (it is good to have other adults who you can turn to), however letting a child see you sad or crying or angry at death can help them know it is okay to have and express emotions.

In February, my Mom died. Her grandchildren were left with so many questions as she was such an important part of their lives. I am sharing some of the questions asked because they may help someone else tread these challenging times and it is healing for me to share these stories. And the questions whirling in the heads of children are often not the questions that adults wonder, so it can be helpful to read what other children have asked.

When my 6 year old nephew saw Mom’s cell phone was still sitting on her table beside her chair, he asked why Grandma didn’t take her cell phone to heaven? If only Grandma had taken her phone, we could still talk to her. We responded to this question by saying that we wished cell phones worked in heaven because we wanted to talk to her too. And when my 9 year old niece asked to send one final “I love you” text to Grandma’a phone, we let her knowing it was her way to enact an important ritual for a final time.

When we arrived to the funeral home for the visitation and saw Mom’s body in the casket, my nephew said, “Are we in heaven?” We responded that this was not heaven and it was the funeral home. He said if this isn’t heaven why is Grandma here? We responded that Grandma’s spirit was in heaven and this was our time to say goodbye to her. Then he asked if her legs had already gone to heaven because they were covered by the bottom half of the casket.

Recently, my Dad and nephew went to the cemetery to see where Mom is buried. My nephew said, “I miss Grandma. Do you?” Dad replied simply, “Yes, I miss her too.”

My final suggestion to you is be kind to yourself as you grieve and help those you love grieve. Grief is good, hard work. We grieve because we have loved and been in close relationships with others. Give yourself time to grieve, and when possible, be extra kind to those you know who are also grieving.

God of all the broken hearted, you see our tears. You feel our sadness. You know how we feel because you feel it too. On our grief journeys, strengthen us when the way ahead is too hard to go alone. When it is all too much, tell us to stop and rest and then try again. Remind us to be kind to ourselves and each other because we all feel the pain of deaths of loved ones. Hold our broken hearts in your compassionate hands, Faithful One. We pray this prayer in the name of Jesus whose own heart broke many times too. Amen.