In my work as a hospice chaplain, people ask me questions that are huge life defining questions. And I find it helpful to reflect on them to better prepare myself for how I will answer.
How do I say a final goodbye to my loved one and when is the right time to do so?
How do we ask our loved one about her final wishes without making her feel that we are hurrying her death?
So before I share my reflections on these questions, it is important to share that I believe it is not my job to give someone the answers. My job is to help you find the answer that is right for you and to remind you (often) that you already knew the answer. I am not trying to sway a family to what I would do if I were in their shoes because I am not in their shoes.
How do I say a final goodbye to my loved one and when is the right time to do so?
In my experience waiting until a loved one is near death (as we see on tv) is not the best time to tell someone how you feel. I recommend being open and honest with your loved one regularly. This eliminates the need for a final goodbye and the sadness people feel if they weren’t present for a final goodbye. If you have always wanted to ask a parent something, do it now. If you want your loved one to know you love them, now is the time to say it.
There are times leading up to a person’s death when the family gathers around to be present. If I am invited into this sacred time/space, I will encourage story telling and memory sharing. Too often, the loved one who is dying is no longer able to participate verbally in the conversation.
My thought is to tell your loved ones you love each time you talk as we cannot predict what the future holds. I say this not to worry or alarm anyone. Instead this is a reminder that all life is frail and ends and I would rather my loved ones know I love them than feel guilty that I didn’t tell them!
How do we ask our loved one about her final wishes/hopes/dreams without making her feel that we are hurrying her death?
My best suggestion is to ask the question. Hey Mom, is there anything you regret not doing? Hey Dad, what is on your bucket list? Is there anywhere you always wanted to travel and never did? Is there a food you have never eaten and would like to try? I wonder if there are any broken relationships you would like to mend and if I could help you with that?
Sometimes it is easier to talk about yourself first! I have always wanted to travel to Tikal, Guatemala. Is there anywhere in the world you would like to go?
We can become paralyzed by our fears thinking that if we ask the wrong question that our loved one will think that we know longer want them in our lives. I think being honest is the most helpful. Mom, I love you and if there is any wish, dream, hope I can help make come true for you I want to do it. So is there anything you want to do before you die?
You might be surprised by how simple the request is. Some people just want to feel the sunshine on their faces or see the ocean one more time (that may be easier where I live than where others live) or eat their favorite French fries, or dance to a favorite song. If the request is a bit more difficult to make happen, be creative. If your Dad always wanted to go to Italy and that is no longer possible, turn a room into your home into Italy. Hang magazine picture on the walls. Play Italian music. Serve an Italian meal. Watch a movie that takes place in Italy.
Be brave, my friends! You are stronger than you know and can make it day by day through the hard questions of life!
Each day we live is a gift from God. Our response to God is how we spend that day. That doesn’t mean that every day has to be the most productive day ever. You may remember that God rested on the seventh day and told us to do the same. If each day we can brighten the life of another, ease a little suffering, spread a little kindness, we will make God’s world a better and more loving place.
