Writings

I remember when my buddy, Kristi, died. The grief was overwhelming. I cried and cried. Everywhere I turned something reminded me of her. I found ways to honor her memory including hanging up our picture and my husband making me a bench in the backyard so I could sit in nature and remember our stories.

Ten years have passed since her death. It doesn’t seem possible, and yet, it is. The memories still come and sometimes the tears too. What I feel now is often a sadness that for the things/people she didn’t get to meet that are important in my life and for our adventures not taken.

Yesterday as I was driving, I heard a song that made me smile. Kenny Chesney’s Happy on the Hey Now. He sings about a friend who died and his memories of this person. And then I heard him call her Kristi. And I thought I was imagining it. So I kept listening and turned it up. I heard Kristi again and again. When I was done driving, I looked it up and saw that the song is called Happy on the Hey Now (A Song for Kristi).

As I was listening to this song, I was smiling. I didn’t tear up although the next time I hear it I might. It isn’t the song I would have written for my Buddy, and I could still see her in this song too. The Kristi in the song loves to dance as did my dear friend. She lived her life in the moment which is something Kristi pushed me to do too.

“I hope time can be our healer, maybe time can be a friend. Still I’m a strong believer, someday we’ll see you again.”

For those of you grieving, my hope for you is moments like this where a good memory surprises you. You picture your loved one doing something they loved to do. You embrace whatever emotions come. And the grieving that was overwhelming is much less so. You love and miss your loved one and always will. And they live on in you and in all those who love them and keep their memories alive.

Or as Kenny sings, “And you will live with us as long as memories stay alive. And you left us with so many, Kristi, you will never die.”

Each Summer the hospice where I work partners with the local university’s school of social work to host a camp for children who had a loved one die in the last year. It is wonderfully life changing and exhausting week. Due to COVID, our last two camps have not happened. I am so delighted to share that we had camp last week for the first time since 2019!

Obviously, I will not be sharing any stories about the campers because we promise to hold their stories in confidence. What I would like to share is the importance of this week to me.

Camp week is my chance to focus on children and families again. I love working with children and their families. At this time, my calling is leading me to hospice where I don’t get to spend too much time with children. During camp week, it is kids all the time. Which reminds me how much energy is needed to work with children and how amazing they are all at the same time.

Camp week is a break from the normal routines of work. During this week my fabulous colleagues care for any patient needs that arise for the patients in my care. My whole focus is camp. This one week’s change in focus gives me a break from routine and reinvigorates me to return to my routine again.

Camp week is a reminder that play is necessary in life. When we play volleyball with blankets and water balloons, I laugh at the challenge and cheer when we succeed in working as a team. Drawing with sidewalk chalk is a reminder that we all need time to be creative. Singing silly songs and playing bonding games is a chance to play and have fun.

During Camp Week, I get to see the gifts of my colleagues in action as we work together toward a common goal. In my regular work, I work as a team however we are not often in the same physical space at the same time. For camp week, we work side by side seeing and hearing how well we do our jobs. It is an opportunity to be reminded in person how amazing my colleagues are and how dedicated they are to this work.

As I reflect on the joys and struggles of last week, I am grateful for everything. I look forward to the opportunity to do it again and am thankful it won’t be for another year. My hope for you, dear reader, is that there are opportunities like this in your life where you are stretched and challenged to open you up to growth and a change in perspective.

I ended the week by privately praying for each child in my care as well as each adult. It was a time to ask God’s blessing on each of us and say goodbye. This personal closing ritual helped me not to hold on to everyone and instead to let them go. It gave me permission to return to my regular work with the assurance that God would continue to care for each of us and my work here was done. I encourage you to pray a private blessing when your work is done as a reminder to yourself to break from what you were doing and move on to caring for yourself for this time. Peace to you all today.

This week I have been thinking about these words describing what is lost when a loved one dies.

I shared them in this space years ago when talking about the parts of my story lost when my buddy, Kristi, died too young.

This week I have been thinking of my mother and the memories we shared together. I miss her. I know she took many of our memories with her that I relied on her to tell me. A joy at my Mom’s funeral visitation was a visit from a dear friend I have not seen in years. He came and shared memories of my Mom driving us to and from jr high and high school activities, bringing us food, and being in the audience at all our performances. These were times I had not thought about in years. He came and shared Mom’s story with me, and it meant so much.

Also, this week I have been thinking about losing our stories in relation to changes in our lives. When we move, change jobs, a coworker changes jobs, finish school, end a relationship, etc. all of these are times when we lose a part of our story. While these changes are not as final as the death of a loved one, most of us only rarely or occasionally take the time to share stories with others when we have moved on.

Because of all the changes that happen in our lives, parts of our story exist in so many different people and places. Today I am thinking of my loved ones who shared my story and whose stories I must pass along because they no longer can tell them. I am thinking of church families in churches where I worshipped and served. I am thinking of neighbors in places I no longer live. I am thinking of educators and classmates who taught me and learned with me. I am thinking of coworkers in jobs I have left and those who have left this job I love. I am thinking of my family and friends near and far who have walked this journey with me. I am missing all of you and holding all our stories in my heart.

These stories, the ones I remember and the ones others must remind me of and the ones only remembered by others, make me who I am today. I am thankful that while some of these stories may never be told out loud again I am living them in the choices I make and the person I am. Thank you all for holding a piece of my story.

Last week, my Mom died. I spent her final days with her. Her family surrounded her physically and with our love. Our hearts are broken. I found comfort in writing these words about her which were read at her service.

Lessons Learned from My Mom

-Love your people with your whole heart. Mom didn’t always say I love you out loud. She lived her love by being present with those she loved, by listening, by remembering. A few years ago, Becky decided she wanted her parents to say I love you out loud, so she trained them to end each phone conversation and visit with an I love you. Be like Mom and tell people you love them and make your actions match your words.

-Read a Book! We all know Mom loved to read. Her face lit up when she talked about a new book she was reading. While her husband didn’t share her love of reading, he would go with her to used book sales and repack her books so she got the most books possible in her box of books for one price and he would amuse himself in countless bookstores while Mom browsed and bought more books. In November, Mom and Susannah sorted through her vast book collection as Mom said, “I will never live long enough to read all these book.” It wasn’t a sad moment because they laughed as they realized that Mom’s personal library after sorting was still so large that it would take many lifetimes to read through. Be like Mom and read a book.

-Spoil your grandchildren. While Mom loved her husband, daughters and sons-in-law, the joy she felt for Ella and Reid was immeasurable. Grandma Marilyn as they called her made each day special for them with time for playing together and as that got harder for her plenty of time for snuggling in her chair. Grandma Marilyn was so proud of the amazing people her grandchildren are and knew they were going to do great things in their life. Be like Grandma Marilyn and spoil your grandchildren with love.

-Keep your promises. On a hot summer day in 1971, a very much younger Marilyn married Paul. And for the next 49.5 years, they were partners in life. It could not have been easy being a pastor’s wife, never living near family, moving multiple times and starting over in a new strange place, and yet Paul’s call to ministry was Marilyn’s call too. They had different temperaments and interests, and a common purpose to love each other and raise a family. And in the good times and hard times, they were there for each other. Be like Marilyn and keep your promises.

-Love your work. For many years, Mom’s work was raising her children and being involved in church. When Becky was in high school, Mom started working at Walmart. She loved the people she worked with and the people she helped. When she started, she worked overnights so she didn’t miss any of Becky’s activities or sports. When she moved to the Bloomington store, she switched to day shift. She showed up for work each day with a smile on her face and brightened the days of her coworkers and customers. She always had a fun story to tell about what happened today at Walmart. Whatever work you do, be like Mom and do it with a smile.

-Live your faith. Mom believed in living her faith by loving others and sharing what she had. Her faith was private to her, and yet it was obvious in the way she lived and the choices she made. She loved God with her whole heart and all of her neighbors as herself. Be like Mom and live your faith!

-Laugh! Mom loved to laugh. She laughed often although not too often at Dad’s bad jokes because those usually got an eye roll. When Mom really got laughing, she went into silent mode. Mom would be laughing so hard that no sound would come out and she would jiggle and her face would turn bright red. When that happened you had to laugh along because you knew it was funny. The world needs more laughter, be like Mom and laugh.

-Be strong. Mom was never one to complain. She dealt with pain, the challenges of her illness, and the unknown with strength. As we are all here grieving, try to be strong like Mom.