Each year on November 14, I light a candle on a piece of dessert. It isn’t my birthday, and yet I blow out the candle. I do this for my best friend. November 14 is her birthday and for the last seven years she has not been alive to celebrate her birthday. So, I celebrate it for her. I make or prepare a dessert. I light a candle. I remember her and give thanks for our friendship. Then, I blow out the candle and enjoy that dessert. I tell stories about her to anyone who will listen. I laugh and cry. I miss her and wish she was here to enjoy her birthday dessert with me.
I share this with you because this yearly ritual is healing and helpful for me as I continue to grieve my friend. I encourage you to remember those you love who have died and find meaningful rituals to help you mark important days. If you have a special way you remember a loved one, I’d love to hear about it.
Loving God, When our hearts are breaking and we miss our loved ones, you are here. When another special day comes and our loved one isn’t here to celebrate, you are here. Be with us as we remember and give thanks. Be with us as we cry and ask why? However we honor those we love, be present with us, Gracious God. Amen.
Recently, I was asked to pray at a local service for veterans. These are the prayers that I shared for that gathering.
Holy One, We are thankful to call this country home. Today we gather to honor and remember those brave individuals who kept and continue to keep this country free. Most of us will never be able to understand the challenges faced by those who serve. Open our ears to hear the stories of those in our armed services when and if they want to tell their stories. Open our eyes to notice the needs of our veterans. Open our hearts to welcome the veterans back to this country we all love. Be present with us in this time, Holy One, as you are present with our veterans and those currently serving. Amen.
Eternal One, we are grateful for this time today to be able to remember and give thanks for all of our veterans. Remind us to be thankful for our veterans everyday not just on special days like today. Send your blessings and love on our veterans and their families as we continue to acknowledge the gifts that they shared for our country. Thank you, Eternal One, for your love for all your beloved children and may we share that love and compassion with each other. Amen.
Today I am celebrating 15 years of ordained ministry.
On this day 15 years ago, I was surrounded by family and friends and colleagues in ministry in one of the churches that raised me. After years of hard work, education, and training, we gathered together to worship and give thanks to God for my call to ministry. While I planned the service (including music and Scripture I love), the service was a time of worship with a focus on God.
In the fifteen years since that day, I have served three churches in three different states and now am serving as a hospice chaplain. I have led confirmation retreats, stayed up too late during youth lock-ins, laughed with children, preached countless sermons, served communion while reminding each person present that each one is welcome at the table and a beloved child of God, taught many Sunday School and youth group lessons, listened to so many stories and kept confidences, been invited into people’s homes where I was treated like family, and also participated in more than a few meetings. How do you sum up 15 years? I have been privileged to watch children grow into youth and now into adults. I have cried with you when loved ones have died. I have baptized children and youth and officiated wedding and funerals. I have been inspired by the faith I have witnessed in people of faith of all ages.
And despite that long list, so many things and events went unmentioned. I could talk for hours about mission trips or games of sardines or most memorable memorial services. Instead, I will thank you for whatever part you have played in this journey I have been on for these past fifteen years. Thank you!
God, I am grateful for my call to ordained ministry. It has been a challenge and a joy to serve so many different people over these past fifteen years. Thank you for the strength to continue on and to follow where you lead. Thank you for the surprises that meet me each day. Continue to be with those you love who have been part of my journey. With gratitude for all that has happened that has made me who I am today, I look forward to the next fifteen years knowing you, Gracious God, will be sustaining and equipping me. Amen.
In the chaos of life, we all need reminders. This week my reminder came from a coloring book. Life is busy with many things that need doing. It can be easy to forget to stop. This week I colored this paper, and I laughed. So I encourage you to laugh everyday, it is good for you.
Creating God, What makes you laugh? Does a good joke make you laugh so hard you cry like it does for me? Is it children speaking their minds and saying what adults won’t say that make you chuckle? How about a prank or a gag? God, remind us of what makes us laugh and help us to laugh. When life is good, we need to laugh. When life is hard, we need to laugh. Inspire us with laughter today. Amen.
LGBTQ-Inclusive Hospice and Palliative Care: A Practical Guide to Transforming Professional Practice by Kimberly D. Acquaviva This is a must read for anyone who works in palliative or hospice care. In an easy to read and understand style with time spent looking at nursing, social work, spiritual care, physicians, and aides, this book provides ideas and a framework for how to improve your work. Through reflections by professionals and examples of how well care can be provided, you will learn from this book. You may be challenged by this book as you are encouraged to change the way you do something or the way you think. Each chapter includes-chapter objectives, key terms, chapter summary, perspectives (the reflections by professionals), key points to remember, discussion questions and a chapter activity. The structure of the book makes it perfect for a book study at work or personal reading to enhance your work. I recently led a discussion at my work using the first chapter and focusing on our own bias and key terms. One activity that I shared in my recent presentation comes from page 17 of the book, “Over the years I’ve been asked many times why lesbians, gay and bisexual people feel the need to ‘tell people about their sex lives’ by coming out to others. Rather than answer the questions directly, I like to respond by asking the questioner to try the following exercise. If you are heterosexual and currently in a relationship with a person of another gender, keep track of how many times you make reference to this person (either by name or by such terms as boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife) in your conversations with colleagues, friends, neighbors, and family members this week. At the end of the week, reflect on why you felt the need to share your heterosexuality with so many people.
This exercise never fails to leave people surprised by how often heterosexuality is casually disclosed in everyday conversation. Mentioning your sexual orientation to others isn’t telling people about your sex life; it is sharing a part of who you are as a person”.
It is a good exercise for many of us to try. In fact in one presentation, I had just spoken about my husband and no one paid any attention until I read this piece and then people pointed it out to me. This is just one example of how the author will increase your awareness of what you are doing well and what you could be doing better to care for all the people you serve in hospice and palliative care.
So if you or someone you know works in hospice or palliative care, please read this book and share it.
I am grateful for the opportunity to combine two of my passions together in one article. I love great preaching, and I love supporting people as they approach the end of their lives. The piece I wrote for Working Preacher encourages preachers to talk about death and dying from the pulpit using Scriptures from the Revised Common Lectionary. It is meant to inspire more conversations about end of life in churches where people of all ages gather together in community.
So, I hope you’ll read the article. And if you attend a local church, share it with your pastor and say you would like to hear a sermon about dying and/or death. I don’t think that is a phrase most pastors hear often! If you need help starting conversations about death and dying in your faith community or local group, reach out to your local hospice. I’m sure they’ll be glad to support your efforts.
I began reading this book on an airplane traveling to a much needed and anticipated vacation in Aruba. I am not sure this is the right time for most people to read this book, and yet it had been on my to read list for too long. I had recommended it to a hospice patient who wanted to read a book about dying written by someone who was actually dying. I told her when I recommended the book that I had not yet read it. In her memory, I wanted to read this book so I knew if it was something to recommend to someone else. And so I began reading it on a cold morning after leaving the airport in Baltimore. I took a break from reading to look out the window and saw the sun shining, blue waters, and islands of the Bahamas. While I had been reading, I had been transported to another place.
This book will transport you into Paul’s life. When reading these words, I felt like I was there with him in the desert in Arizona, in medical school with a donor (the kinder term for cadavers), in the hospitals and Operating Rooms. And then you go with Paul from his work as a surgeon to his life as a patient looking for meaning in the time he has left. The books ends with an epilogue written by Paul’s wife after his death.
I read this book quickly even as I recognized that it covers the difficult topic of one’s own mortality. I cried on the beach as I read the epilogue even though it was stated from early on that Paul was going to die. And I thought about my hospice patient who I would (now) recommend she start this book from Part 2-Cease Not till Death. My patient didn’t need to hear about his life before the diagnosis. She wanted to hear from someone else who had walked the journey toward death and stopped to share his or her own story. She did not want to read about all that one was giving up with a terminal diagnosis because she was living that herself. If I had read this book before she died, I would have encouraged her to read the epilogue because it talks about Paul’s last days and how he is surrounded by those he loved.
I do recommend this book for anyone who wants to ponder what it feels like to die young and to know you are going to die sooner rather than later. This is a book for people who love poetry and literature and autobiographies.
I am still searching for a book to recommend to my hospice patients that is written by someone who is dying and who speaks in easy to understand terms about how their diagnosis and living their last days affects them.
In my work as a hospice chaplain, people ask me questions that are huge life defining questions. And I find it helpful to reflect on them to better prepare myself for how I will answer.
How do I say a final goodbye to my loved one and when is the right time to do so?
How do we ask our loved one about her final wishes without making her feel that we are hurrying her death?
So before I share my reflections on these questions, it is important to share that I believe it is not my job to give someone the answers. My job is to help you find the answer that is right for you and to remind you (often) that you already knew the answer. I am not trying to sway a family to what I would do if I were in their shoes because I am not in their shoes.
How do I say a final goodbye to my loved one and when is the right time to do so? In my experience waiting until a loved one is near death (as we see on tv) is not the best time to tell someone how you feel. I recommend being open and honest with your loved one regularly. This eliminates the need for a final goodbye and the sadness people feel if they weren’t present for a final goodbye. If you have always wanted to ask a parent something, do it now. If you want your loved one to know you love them, now is the time to say it. There are times leading up to a person’s death when the family gathers around to be present. If I am invited into this sacred time/space, I will encourage story telling and memory sharing. Too often, the loved one who is dying is no longer able to participate verbally in the conversation. My thought is to tell your loved ones you love each time you talk as we cannot predict what the future holds. I say this not to worry or alarm anyone. Instead this is a reminder that all life is frail and ends and I would rather my loved ones know I love them than feel guilty that I didn’t tell them!
How do we ask our loved one about her final wishes/hopes/dreams without making her feel that we are hurrying her death?
My best suggestion is to ask the question. Hey Mom, is there anything you regret not doing? Hey Dad, what is on your bucket list? Is there anywhere you always wanted to travel and never did? Is there a food you have never eaten and would like to try? I wonder if there are any broken relationships you would like to mend and if I could help you with that? Sometimes it is easier to talk about yourself first! I have always wanted to travel to Tikal, Guatemala. Is there anywhere in the world you would like to go? We can become paralyzed by our fears thinking that if we ask the wrong question that our loved one will think that we know longer want them in our lives. I think being honest is the most helpful. Mom, I love you and if there is any wish, dream, hope I can help make come true for you I want to do it. So is there anything you want to do before you die? You might be surprised by how simple the request is. Some people just want to feel the sunshine on their faces or see the ocean one more time (that may be easier where I live than where others live) or eat their favorite French fries, or dance to a favorite song. If the request is a bit more difficult to make happen, be creative. If your Dad always wanted to go to Italy and that is no longer possible, turn a room into your home into Italy. Hang magazine picture on the walls. Play Italian music. Serve an Italian meal. Watch a movie that takes place in Italy.
Be brave, my friends! You are stronger than you know and can make it day by day through the hard questions of life!
Each day we live is a gift from God. Our response to God is how we spend that day. That doesn’t mean that every day has to be the most productive day ever. You may remember that God rested on the seventh day and told us to do the same. If each day we can brighten the life of another, ease a little suffering, spread a little kindness, we will make God’s world a better and more loving place.
