Author: SusannahDB

A Prayer of Grace for Myself

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I try so hard to extend grace upon grace to others. I do not know what someone else is going through and want to offer kindness and compassion to all those I meet. Not easy and something I regularly find myself trying to do. You know what I am not good at? I struggle to extend a portion of this same grace to myself. I am trying to do better with myself and working on giving myself grace when needed. If any of this sounds familiar to you, join me in this prayer.

God of Goodness and Grace, You give us chances and opportunities and do overs and try agains and so many times to say whoops! You pick us up! You dust us off and you tell us to give it another go! Why is it so hard for us to extend that same grace to ourselves? Why is the must do list never ending? Why do I feel like I must keep working even though there is time off that could be taken? How can I accept grace for myself? How can I let go before everything is perfect and before everything is done? Help me, Loving God. Help me to see that I deserve grace. Remind me that I am your beloved child who is created in your own image. And when I treat others in that manner, it is necessary for me to treat myself with the same kindness. You know me God, and I will be back to pray this prayer again soon. Until then let your grace and mercy continue to rain down on us all. Amen.

Grief is Surprising (Remembering Kristi)

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I remember when my buddy, Kristi, died. The grief was overwhelming. I cried and cried. Everywhere I turned something reminded me of her. I found ways to honor her memory including hanging up our picture and my husband making me a bench in the backyard so I could sit in nature and remember our stories.

Ten years have passed since her death. It doesn’t seem possible, and yet, it is. The memories still come and sometimes the tears too. What I feel now is often a sadness that for the things/people she didn’t get to meet that are important in my life and for our adventures not taken.

Yesterday as I was driving, I heard a song that made me smile. Kenny Chesney’s Happy on the Hey Now. He sings about a friend who died and his memories of this person. And then I heard him call her Kristi. And I thought I was imagining it. So I kept listening and turned it up. I heard Kristi again and again. When I was done driving, I looked it up and saw that the song is called Happy on the Hey Now (A Song for Kristi).

As I was listening to this song, I was smiling. I didn’t tear up although the next time I hear it I might. It isn’t the song I would have written for my Buddy, and I could still see her in this song too. The Kristi in the song loves to dance as did my dear friend. She lived her life in the moment which is something Kristi pushed me to do too.

“I hope time can be our healer, maybe time can be a friend. Still I’m a strong believer, someday we’ll see you again.”

For those of you grieving, my hope for you is moments like this where a good memory surprises you. You picture your loved one doing something they loved to do. You embrace whatever emotions come. And the grieving that was overwhelming is much less so. You love and miss your loved one and always will. And they live on in you and in all those who love them and keep their memories alive.

Or as Kenny sings, “And you will live with us as long as memories stay alive. And you left us with so many, Kristi, you will never die.”

The day before my wedding. You might guess that Kristi danced and danced the next day.

Camp Safe Harbor (Our Pediatric Bereavement Camp)

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Each Summer the hospice where I work partners with the local university’s school of social work to host a camp for children who had a loved one die in the last year. It is wonderfully life changing and exhausting week. Due to COVID, our last two camps have not happened. I am so delighted to share that we had camp last week for the first time since 2019!

Obviously, I will not be sharing any stories about the campers because we promise to hold their stories in confidence. What I would like to share is the importance of this week to me.

Camp week is my chance to focus on children and families again. I love working with children and their families. At this time, my calling is leading me to hospice where I don’t get to spend too much time with children. During camp week, it is kids all the time. Which reminds me how much energy is needed to work with children and how amazing they are all at the same time.

Camp week is a break from the normal routines of work. During this week my fabulous colleagues care for any patient needs that arise for the patients in my care. My whole focus is camp. This one week’s change in focus gives me a break from routine and reinvigorates me to return to my routine again.

Camp week is a reminder that play is necessary in life. When we play volleyball with blankets and water balloons, I laugh at the challenge and cheer when we succeed in working as a team. Drawing with sidewalk chalk is a reminder that we all need time to be creative. Singing silly songs and playing bonding games is a chance to play and have fun.

During Camp Week, I get to see the gifts of my colleagues in action as we work together toward a common goal. In my regular work, I work as a team however we are not often in the same physical space at the same time. For camp week, we work side by side seeing and hearing how well we do our jobs. It is an opportunity to be reminded in person how amazing my colleagues are and how dedicated they are to this work.

As I reflect on the joys and struggles of last week, I am grateful for everything. I look forward to the opportunity to do it again and am thankful it won’t be for another year. My hope for you, dear reader, is that there are opportunities like this in your life where you are stretched and challenged to open you up to growth and a change in perspective.

I ended the week by privately praying for each child in my care as well as each adult. It was a time to ask God’s blessing on each of us and say goodbye. This personal closing ritual helped me not to hold on to everyone and instead to let them go. It gave me permission to return to my regular work with the assurance that God would continue to care for each of us and my work here was done. I encourage you to pray a private blessing when your work is done as a reminder to yourself to break from what you were doing and move on to caring for yourself for this time. Peace to you all today.

Book Review-The Stranger in the Lifeboat by Mitch Albom

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You know those books that you keep reading long after you should be sleeping? This was one of those books for me. A dear friend recommended this book to me because her book group at church was reading it. I didn’t read any reviews or descriptions and just started reading. I kept reading and reading because I wanted to see how it would end.

It is hard to explain this book without revealing too much about the plot. Who is on this boat? What are we to learn from this boat ride?

The reviews for this book are mixed with some people loving it and others not enjoying it. I think a book that evokes questions and receives very different reactions is worth a read. So, if you do give this book a read, let me know so we can talk about it! Happy Reading!

Brew a Cup of Tea

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When I read this poem by William Gladstone, I loved the words so much that I knew I wanted to share them. I encourage you to brew yourself a cup of tea and read these words. Take another sip of tea and read these words again. Maybe even keep sipping and reading until you feel what he is describing deep within yourself. My wish is that all of us will feel solace and see the beauty in creation regularly after reading these words and savoring our favorite cup of tea.

When the world is all at odds
And the mind is all at sea,
Then cease the useless tedium
And brew a cup of tea.
There is magic in its fragrance,
There is solace in its taste;
And the laden moments vanish
Somehow into space.
And the world becomes a lovely thing!
There’s beauty as you’ll see;
All because you briefly stopped
To brew a cup of tea. -William Gladstone

A Benediction for Pentecost

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I love Pentecost. I love the joy when churches encourage people to wear the colors of flames and the sanctuary sparkles with reds, oranges, and yellows. I love that this celebration exists solely in the church-no Pentecost specials at the local restaurants or Pentecost gifts to buy. I love the faithful people who each year seek to be creative using doves, fire, language, and colors to celebrate this important day in the life of the church.

As we prepare to once again celebrate Pentecost, I share with you this benediction.

Beloved, go! Go out into this world filled with the Holy Spirit. Let the Spirit give you words when you have none. Let the Spirit stop your tongue when listening is the answer. Let the Spirit strengthen you when the way ahead is hard. Remember Jesus said he would not leave us alone and would send us a Comforter. Let the Spirit enfold you and comfort you and keep you until we are together again. Go in peace and bring the peace and fiery flames of Holy Spirit with you wherever you go. Amen.

Taize, France

My Cup Runneth Over

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I went to a funeral. Given my work as a hospice chaplain and years spent working in churches, I would guess I attend many more funerals than the average person. I went to this funeral not because I was leading the service. I went because I wanted to hear that this person was at peace. I needed to hear the familiar words of comfort.

This person’s story is not mine to tell as happens in the work I do. I will share that I have never met someone before who so wanted to believe that God loved him and had forgiven him for “everything”. He wanted to believe and could not fathom despite all reassurances that God loved him and God forgave him. So together we wrestled with these big concepts. We prayed together. I brought him communion. He said he trusted in God’s love. And on my next visit, the same questions came up.

Over our time together, there were moments of peace for him. He felt like he had a purpose and could understand God’s plan for this time in his life. And then those doubts would creep in again. He would ask me to pray saying he didn’t know if he could say the right words. So I would pray and reassure him that there are no right words and God doesn’t ask for words at all.

The last time I saw him I reminded him of our conversations and God’s love and forgiveness. I let him know that God was ready to receive him and he could ask God all the questions with which we had wrestled.

I went to his funeral to hear the words of peace he had so longed to believe. And in the 23rd Psalm, I heard “my cup runneth over”. This image of his cup running over was what I needed. I felt like the amazing abundance of God’s goodness which was hard for him to comprehend here on earth was now real and those words were the reassurance I needed to hear.

Faithful One, open up our awareness so we may realize the ways you communicate with us. You take our doubts and show us your goodness. You take our worries and provide us comfort. You take our sadness and sit with us where we are. When we pay attention, you remind us that our cups runneth over. Amen.

I’m So Excited! A Prayer for those times you are too excited to sleep

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Does this ever happen to you? A long awaited good thing is about to occur. You want and need sleep. If sleep comes, it might be in short bursts. Each time you look at the clock you wonder why you are awake again. The internet is full of explanations for why and what to do about it. Search out those answers if you are interested.

Here’s my story. The alarm is set for 5:30 am to catch a flight to see my family who I last saw 8 months ago. To say I am excited is an understatement! I have done all the things to go to sleep and I keep waking up. So, while I try to go back to sleep for the twentieth time, here is the prayer I prayed.

God of All Good Things, You created us in your image and so wonderfully. In the middle of the night, I wonder why you didn’t give us an off switch. Just a simple way to slow our swirling thoughts and excitement down for a bit for sleep before a big, big day. I’m not telling the Creator of All how we should have been made. Just wondering how to get a little rest before my alarm goes off in two hours and fifteen minutes. Just wondering and wondering. Thank you for the ability to feel so much excitement that we can’t sleep. Thank you for long awaited reunions and other joyous celebrations that have us awake as we count down the minutes until we can get started on the big event. Thank you for creating us not as robots and instead as beings filled with emotions too big to be contained by sleep. As I close my eyes to try again to sleep, grant me rest, Holy One, and if good rest doesn’t come before my alarm then grant me the energy to enjoy the big day tomorrow. Big yawn. Amen.

Seeing these smiles makes it so worth it.

Book Review-Between Two Kingdoms by Suleika Jaouad

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This week I read two books. One took me the full two weeks of library loan to finish. I won’t be sharing anymore about that book here. And one book I read in two days. I read past my bedtime. It was a book I wanted to finish and also wanted to stop reading to make my time with the book last longer.

When I share that the book I could not put down is a book about a woman in her early twenties who has leukemia, you might wonder why this book captured my attention and interest with such intensity. It is because we do not talk honestly about illness in this country. We don’t talk about how confusing and challenging it is to be ill. We don’t talk about the emotional and physical demands on caregivers. We don’t talk about how illness changes relationships. This book tackles all these topics and so much more.

It has been over a year since I first heard about this book while watching CBS Sunday Morning with my mother-in-law. I meant to write down the title and read it. I didn’t. And reflecting on it, I don’t think the time was right then. In the midst of my raw grief for my mother, this book may have been too much then. The author was back on CBS Sunday Morning again recently. Immediately, I joined a wait list at my local library for this book. And the time was right for me to read it.

I encourage you to read this book. In these pages you will witness the ways cancer affects someone who has it as well as everyone around that person. You will read about life after cancer which isn’t as easy as it might seem. And I hope you will find insight as well as empathy for the many people who live with cancer.

Judge Not (Matthew 7:1)

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In a conversation with a hospice patient, he said to me that he felt like the first verse from the 7th Chapter of Matthew is the most important and most difficult lesson in the Bible. Whether you agree or disagree with his statement, this verse deserves some consideration and attention. “Do not judge, so that you may not be judged” (Matthew 7:1).

As the dialogue continued, we reflected on how many times we had judged others in our short conversation. We had judged others in so many ways for so many reasons as we talked. As we pointed out the times the other had judged, we were both surprised at how often we had judged others. We repeated the verse again together and said, “Do not judge, so that you may not be judged.”

This conversation has stayed with me as a good reminder of how easy it is to judge someone else. I can quickly judge a person or persons without ever knowing the full story. To reduce the number of times I resort to judgement, I have been repeating this verse over and over. I repeat this verse to remind myself to slow down and consider if I am judging someone else.

Compassionate One, you urge us to leave our judgements behind. The hard part is that we know that judging comes natural to us. We must do the hard work of living out this verse. We don’t want to be judged, so why are we judging? Help us, Holy One. Let this verse live in our minds and thoughts. Write this verse on our hearts so we may live it out in our daily actions. Strengthen us so that judgement will not be our first response. Let us respond first with compassion. Amen.