Author: SusannahDB

End of Life Questions

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In my work as a hospice chaplain, people ask me questions that are huge life defining questions. And I find it helpful to reflect on them to better prepare myself for how I will answer.

How do I say a final goodbye to my loved one and when is the right time to do so?

How do we ask our loved one about her final wishes without making her feel that we are hurrying her death?

So before I share my reflections on these questions, it is important to share that I believe it is not my job to give someone the answers. My job is to help you find the answer that is right for you and to remind you (often) that you already knew the answer. I am not trying to sway a family to what I would do if I were in their shoes because I am not in their shoes. 

How do I say a final goodbye to my loved one and when is the right time to do so?
In my experience waiting until a loved one is near death (as we see on tv) is not the best time to tell someone how you feel. I recommend being open and honest with your loved one regularly. This eliminates the need for a final goodbye and the sadness people feel if they weren’t present for a final goodbye. If you have always wanted to ask a parent something, do it now. If you want your loved one to know you love them, now is the time to say it. 
There are times leading up to a person’s death when the family gathers around to be present. If I am invited into this sacred time/space, I will encourage story telling and memory sharing. Too often, the loved one who is dying is no longer able to participate verbally in the conversation. 
My thought is to tell your loved ones you love each time you talk as we cannot predict what the future holds. I say this not to worry or alarm anyone. Instead this is a reminder that all life is frail and ends and I would rather my loved ones know I love them than feel guilty that I didn’t tell them!

How do we ask our loved one about her final wishes/hopes/dreams without making her feel that we are hurrying her death?

My best suggestion is to ask the question. Hey Mom, is there anything you regret not doing? Hey Dad, what is on your bucket list? Is there anywhere you always wanted to travel and never did? Is there a food you have never eaten and would like to try? I wonder if there are any broken relationships you would like to mend and if I could help you with that? 
Sometimes it is easier to talk about yourself first! I have always wanted to travel to Tikal, Guatemala. Is there anywhere in the world you would like to go? 
We can become paralyzed by our fears thinking that if we ask the wrong question that our loved one will think that we know longer want them in our lives. I think being honest is the most helpful. Mom, I love you and if there is any wish, dream, hope I can help make come true for you I want to do it. So is there anything you want to do before you die?
You might be surprised by how simple the request is. Some people just want to feel the sunshine on their faces or see the ocean one more time (that may be easier where I live than where others live) or eat their favorite French fries, or dance to a favorite song. If the request is a bit more difficult to make happen, be creative. If your Dad always wanted to go to Italy and that is no longer possible, turn a room into your home into Italy. Hang magazine picture on the walls. Play Italian music. Serve an Italian meal. Watch a movie that takes place in Italy. 

Be brave, my friends! You are stronger than you know and can make it day by day through the hard questions of life! 

Each day we live is a gift from God. Our response to God is how we spend that day. That doesn’t mean that every day has to be the most productive day ever. You may remember that God rested on the seventh day and told us to do the same. If each day we can brighten the life of another, ease a little suffering, spread a little kindness, we will make God’s world a better and more loving place. 


Another Trip Around The Sun!

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Each year as the calendar encourages us to welcome a new year, my household reflects on the ending year with what we’ve saved in a jar. As I prepare myself to add another year to my age, I’m doing something similar by reflecting on the last year of my life.

This is how it started-

It included officiating a dear friend’s wedding, seeing my college roommate, planned and unplanned road trips, and funerals for people I love. I visited new states, ate delicious food, celebrated birthdays of loved ones, went to the beach, spent holidays with family, and fulfilled this lifelong dream.

Fenway Park

This year was both heartbreaking and amazingly awesome. Some moments made me laugh until I cried and other left me crying until it felt like I had no more tears. Many days were just ordinary, regular days when I did my job to the best of my abilities. I cannot remember all the meals I ate and am thankful for my amazing husband who cooked so many of those meals.

So as it is now my birthday, what am I hoping for this year? I’d appreciate a little less sadness and more joy. If that can’t happen, I’d like to remember to look for the joy even amidst the sadness. I’d like more time with people I love. If that can’t happen, I’d like to be fully present for the time I do have with the people I love. They deserve my attention. I’d like less hurrying and rushing around which might be achieved by me saying no a little more often and leaving earlier than I think I should (this one might be one I can work on myself). I’d like to look back a year from now and say all in all it was a good year.

Loving God, You hear our hopes and our heartache. You see our dreams and our reality. You know our thoughts and our actions. You guide us and only ask that we follow you. So that is what we’ll do. We will follow you through the next year not knowing where we are going or how we will get there. We look forward to the journey and know that all will be well. Amen.

What is bringing you joy today?

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In a world where bad news dominates the air waves, it is important for us to spread good news. It is vital for us to share what brings us joy. So today, I encourage you to be someone who is looking for the good and points out what you see to others. The joy or good news you share doesn’t need to be huge or earth shattering. It is life changing because we will be the ones vocalizing that there is still goodness and joy in this world among all the negativity that is shared.

(Please know that I am not suggesting that we ignore the news or the events happening around us. I am encouraging us to be people who share joy where we see it while being aware that there is much that needs to be changed in our world.)

I will share what is bringing me joy today. This cup which is a perfect blend of my love of tea and my husband’s love of pharmacy. It makes me smile each time I see. I wanted to share this with you and encourage you to share what is bringing you joy today. May you find peace and joy on your path today.

Asking for Money and Thanking God for Money

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Recently, I was part of a conversation where pastors asked for a new call to offering and prayer of dedication. I felt inspired to write something a little bit different.

Call to the Offering

The church isn’t good at asking for money in ways that inspire people. Often we give because we are supposed to or its the right thing to do or we’ve always given. Some of us don’t give much because we give elsewhere at places that are better at making us feel like our hard earned money will be used well. Today I encourage you to look around this sacred space. Notice where your money is going-to provide a worship opportunity in a comfortably cooled/heated space, to provide educational times so we can all grow in our faith, to provide equitable salaries for all who work here, to share God’s love with those outside this space through food pantries, after school programs, AA groups, and so many other ways. Think about the good your money does when you give it to your church as we share a moment of eyes open and looking around in silent reflection. And now, we will receive this morning’s offering.

Prayer of Dedication-

Holy One, Receive this offering we give to you and your church because we want to help spread your good news within these wall and in our community and throughout the world. Bless the work that will be done with this money as we seek to open our eyes, ears, and hearts and become the body of Christ at work in the world. Amen.

Celebrating the Life of…

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Shortly before Christmas, my husband’s Grandma died. Her death was the third family member we said good-bye to in 2018. While we found much joy throughout the year, it was a year filled with many hard, grief-filled days.

My Mother-in-law asked if I would read Scripture, pray and do a faith eulogy at Grandma’s service. I consider it a privilege to be asked to participate in a special moment like this.

Here are the words I shared at her funeral and I am sharing them with you on what would have been her 90th birthday.

I was asked to speak about Grandma Clark and her faith. Many of you have known her much longer than I have. I first met her 13 years ago when her grandson now my husband, Richard, asked me to come home with him for Christmas to meet his family. 
Grandma was a women of faith who relied on her faith and hard work throughout her life. Her faith and her family are what sustained her when she needed to make difficult decisions. Her faith strengthened her when she said goodbye to loved ones resting in the assurance that she would see them again.
For some time, Grandma has been ready to be with Jesus. As it became more difficult for her to be as independent as she wanted to be and we all know that she wanted to do everything by herself and didn’t want to ask for any assistance. As she had to relinquish more and more independence, she would ask why am I still here? And her daughter Mary would tell her that God needed her to stay here with us a little longer and when God was ready she would be called home. That finally happened. And even though she was ready, I am not sure we were. 
We will remember her determination and strength. We never forget her fierce independence and how she fought to keep control of all that she could by living alone as long as possible and not wanting to give up her car. 
My hope is that we all will continue to tell her story and remember her through our laughter and tears. 
And we take comfort in knowing that she is not in pain anymore, that she now can move and walk without any challenges, and that is reunited with her loved ones who have gone before her. 
So today and in the coming days, rely on your faith and your family as Grandma did as the strength and support to help you through the hard days and the joy that is with you on the good days.

Grandma playing Exploding Kittens with her grandson, Richard, Christmas 2015.

Christmas Eve Worship Words

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On Christmas Eve, my Dad and I are leading worship together. Here is the liturgy I wrote for the service, plus a call to worship using words from Isaiah. Dad is working on his sermon about the shepherds, and I am thinking about what I will say to the children about the Advent wreath and lighting the Christ candle. One of the joys of my Christmas will be leading worship with my Dad. 

Call to Worship (Isaiah 9: 2-3, 6-7 from the NRSV)

One: The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light.

ALL: Those who lived in a land of deep darkness— on them light has shined.

One: You have multiplied the nation, you have increased its joy.

ALL: They rejoice before you as with joy at the harvest, as people exult when dividing plunder. 

One: For a child has been born for us, a son given to us; authority rests upon his shoulders.

ALL: He is named Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

One: His authority shall grow continually, and there shall be endless peace for the throne of David and his kingdom.

ALL: He will establish and uphold it with justice and with righteousness from this time onward and forevermore. The zeal of the Lord of hosts will do this.

Opening Prayer

On this silent and holy night, we gather here to remember the real reason for this season, Jesus our Savior, who was born this night. We pause to remember, give thanks, hear the old story, and sing the familiar songs. In our traditions and rituals, be revealed to us anew tonight, Jesus. Like the shepherds, we are awake and watching for the angels to direct us in the right path. Amen.

Prayer of Dedication

Giver of All Good Gifts, We thank you tonight for the greatest gift of all, Jesus. And so we give joyfully knowing that all we have is a gift from you and you have entrusted us to use what we have wisely. So take what we have given, multiply it, and use for your good work in the world. Amen.

Prayer of Thanksgiving (After Communion)

On this most holy night, we thank you, Gracious God, for welcoming us at your table. May the welcome we received here inspire us to welcome others and to share your love with all we meet. Strengthen us to welcome the Christ Child into our hearts and our homes and our lives this night. May the light which shines brightly tonight live on in our hearts as we seek to be followers of the star. Amen.

An Advent Prayer (for the days when you aren’t feeling it)

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I am not putting my Christmas tree up this year. I hung up lights outside that were shining brightly each night. Recently, they stopped working and while I could climb on a ladder and attempt to fix the problem…I am not. I am not protesting Advent or Christmas. I love both seasons. Instead, I am not doing what other people say I must do simply because other people think I should.

 I am celebrating this season in a way that feels meaningful to me this year. I am lighting my Advent candles and singing along to carols. I am taking time to breathe deeply and slowly down amidst all the hurrying I encounter. I am praying and holding times of silence. I am sitting with others who don’t feel like celebrating in expected ways this year. 

My hope for you is that you mark this season in way that feels authentic for you. I pray that you find peace, joy, and love this season too.

Loving God, You know us and you love us. Be with us this Advent. Draw us near to you as we smile and laugh or as we cry and scream. Wherever we find ourselves this Advent season, you are there. Whether our celebrations are the same as every year or if there is someone or something missing this year, please accept the best of ourselves that we offer to your service. Be gentle with us, Gracious God, and remind us to be gentle with ourselves. In the holy name of the one about to be born to us anew, we pray. Amen. 

The End of Your Life Book Club-Book Review

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The End of Your Life Book Club

Will Schwalbe

Here are a few things you should know about me as you read this review.

1-My Mom and I love to read!

2-My Mom has cancer.

This book was shared with me by a friend who first asked how my Mom is doing as this isn’t a book you recommend to most people who are actively grieving (anticipatory or otherwise). When she heard that my Mom was doing well through her treatments, she encouraged me to read this book.

This is the story of a mother and son making good use of their time waiting in doctor’s offices by discussing books they have read. Their book club is how they share their stories with each other and how they support each other. This is a story of grief, family, hope, kindness, and faith.

From the title and the beginning of the book, the readers know Mary Anne (the mother) is going to die. Even knowing that in advance did not diminish the tears I cried at the end of the book. Each chapter features a book (or books) they read together. This book increased my “to read” list as they shared snippets from books always enough to intrigue the reader and not enough to give it all away.

I recommend this book for anyone who loves to read and loves discussing books with others. This book is great for people who want a glimpse into how others cope with death, dying, and grief. And you should read this book if you enjoy smart, funny, and sad books.

“No one in the family has ever really gotten over Bob’s death. We talk of him daily, recounting stories and imagining what his reactions would be to new books and recent events. He remains for my family the perfect model of how you can be gone but ever present in the lives of people who loved you, in the same way that your favorite books stay with you for your entire life. When I talked with Mom about Bob, I wondered if I would be able to talk about her the same way when she was no longer here” (57).

“Were you sad to leave Cambridge?” I asked her.

She was, she said. Very sad. But she was also looking forward to being back in New York. “The world is very complicated,” she added. “You don’t have to have one emotion at a time” (88).

“I realized then that for all of us, part of the process of Mom’s dying was mourning not just her death but also the death of our dreams of things to come. You don’t really lose the person who has been; you have all those memories” (128).

“I was learning that when you’re with someone who is dying, you may need to celebrate the past, live the present, and mourn the future all at the same time” (130).

“And then something occurred to me. “You know the thing about our book club is that we’ve really been in it all our lives.

Mom agreed but pointed out that she’d been doing the same thing with others too–talking about books with my sister and brother and some of her friends. “I guess we’re all in it together,” she said. And I couldn’t help but smile at the other meaning of the phrase. We’re all in the end-of-our-life book club, whether we acknowledge it or not; each book we read may well be the last, each conversation the final one” (281).

A Tea-Filled Advent

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Advent is one of my favorite seasons of the church year. Over the years I have observed the season in many different ways. I have written Advent Hopeful, Peaceful, Joyful, Loving, and Christmas Eve Benedictions and Words of hope, peace, joy, and love. I have shared Advent Prayer Stations and Advent Candle Lighting Rituals featuring hope, peace, joy , love, and Christmas.

This year I am enjoying a tea of the day calendar.

I found my tea calendar at Uncommon Goods.

And so far, I have enjoyed the first tea. A fun, fruity green tea was a great start to the season.

So however you are observing the season of Advent, my prayer for you is that you will find the hope, peace, joy, and love of this season in your life. Blessings to each of you this Advent!

 

Be Thankful!

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As Thanksgiving approaches, I hope we all stop and take time to reflect on all for which we are thankful. Make a list. Say it out loud. Draw a picture. Sing your thanks. Write it in the sand if you find yourself at the beach this week. No matter how you record your list, take the time to be thankful. And after your time of reflection, tell the people who made your list that you are thankful for them. Reflect and then share. This is how we live lives of gratitude.

Loving God, Be with us in this time of thanksgiving. Create in us a thankful heart, so that we may say thank you and mean it. We thank you, God, for creating us, for loving us, for forgiving us, for challenging us to do more, and for listening to us. Teach us to be thankful daily for all the goodness in our lives. Inspire us to be the good in other’s lives too. God, we are thankful. Amen.