Writings

Mother’s Day Without My Mom

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While 2020 was a hard year for so many reasons, it was also a year filled with time spent with my Mom. I saw her for her grandson’s birthday in January. In February, we flew to Florida to celebrate my Aunt and Uncle’s anniversary. COVID slowed down our time together until June when my family came to spend a week here at my house. Sadly while here, we learned that Mom’s cancer had returned. In July, my husband and I drove through the night to be with Mom when she decided to spend some time in the hospital…that stay went into August as I wouldn’t leave until Mom was back on her feet after daily treatments for an infection. I didn’t see her in September as things were going okay. Then in October we learned that her body could no longer handle the treatments. Despite COVID restrictions, the kind staff at the hospital let my Dad, sister, and I all be present with my Mom when we told her this news. She cried because her daughters were crying. And then she spent the rest of her days doing what she loved…spending time with her family. In November, my husband and I spent a week with Mom who was feeling good because she was done with treatment. We made her favorite foods, talked, played cards, and sorted through her book collection. In December, we wore matching pajamas on Christmas and made good memories. 2020 was a year spent with family despite the pandemic.

I had planned to go back in February to spend more quality time with Mom. As January was nearing its end, my sister called to update me on Mom’s decline. My husband and I got there as fast as we could for Mom’s last days. On February 2, 2021, my Mom died.

Today is a day to celebrate mothers. I support celebrating mothers. I wish I could celebrate with mine in person. I cannot. Instead I am spending this weekend remembering her and celebrating who she was/is to me. I am giving thanks for her life. Also, I am crying and laughing and missing her.

Mom and I in Florida in February 2020.

Recently I was introduced to the song Supermarket Flowers by Ed Sheeran. This beautiful song about grief has been one of my companions this weekend. I love the way the song ends.

“Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
You got to see the person I have become
Spread your wings and I know
That when God took you back he said Hallelujah
You’re home”

I am finding comfort in these words because while I would have loved twenty more years with my Mom I am thankful for the 43 years I knew her. I am thankful she knew me through my childhood, my awkward teenage years when I told her she was the meanest mother in the world (she loved to remind me of this story), college and seminary, my first call to a church and ordination, my wedding, countless moves, job changes, and all of the good and bad times in my life. She was cheering me on and wanting the best for me every day. While I am thankful that she is free from pain and with God, my sadness and grief are too big for me to join in with a hallelujah because her death means my Mom isn’t here for me to talk with today. I am thankful that God’s love for me is big enough that I can express all that I am feeling and know that God loves me still.

I am sharing my story in the hopes that it helps someone else out there who needed to read this story of love and grief today. Embrace whatever you are feeling on this day and know that God loves you.

Mom and I at Camp Albemarle for the church retreat in May 2011.

Who Holds Your Story?

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This week I have been thinking about these words describing what is lost when a loved one dies.

I shared them in this space years ago when talking about the parts of my story lost when my buddy, Kristi, died too young.

This week I have been thinking of my mother and the memories we shared together. I miss her. I know she took many of our memories with her that I relied on her to tell me. A joy at my Mom’s funeral visitation was a visit from a dear friend I have not seen in years. He came and shared memories of my Mom driving us to and from jr high and high school activities, bringing us food, and being in the audience at all our performances. These were times I had not thought about in years. He came and shared Mom’s story with me, and it meant so much.

Also, this week I have been thinking about losing our stories in relation to changes in our lives. When we move, change jobs, a coworker changes jobs, finish school, end a relationship, etc. all of these are times when we lose a part of our story. While these changes are not as final as the death of a loved one, most of us only rarely or occasionally take the time to share stories with others when we have moved on.

Because of all the changes that happen in our lives, parts of our story exist in so many different people and places. Today I am thinking of my loved ones who shared my story and whose stories I must pass along because they no longer can tell them. I am thinking of church families in churches where I worshipped and served. I am thinking of neighbors in places I no longer live. I am thinking of educators and classmates who taught me and learned with me. I am thinking of coworkers in jobs I have left and those who have left this job I love. I am thinking of my family and friends near and far who have walked this journey with me. I am missing all of you and holding all our stories in my heart.

These stories, the ones I remember and the ones others must remind me of and the ones only remembered by others, make me who I am today. I am thankful that while some of these stories may never be told out loud again I am living them in the choices I make and the person I am. Thank you all for holding a piece of my story.

Remembering…

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On this day 9 years ago, I said goodbye to my best friend. I mark this day each year by sharing her stories, being extra kind to others, and enjoying some fun food/beverages. This year will be no different.

Here are some important things to remember about grief.

-There is no timeline on grief. It is not weird or strange that nine years later I still observe this day. It is also not weird or strange if you do not remember the date of a loved one’s death. It is not weird or strange if you find yourself somewhere in between!

-There are many different ways to grieve. You can pick the ways you remember your loved ones who have died. I recommend not judging how others grieve, and not letting comments from others upset the way you are grieving.

-Grieving is hard work. Be kind to yourself on the hard grief days. Be aware of how you are feeling and the things/words that bring your emotions closer to the surface.

In memory of my buddy, Kristi, raise a glass of your favorite beverage and toast those you love near and far and drink in their honor and memory.

Dressed up and celebrating!

This is the Third Quarter

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No matter how you are currently feeling about COVID-19, there is one thing on which we can all agree it has affected our lives. Over the past year, it has been a regular topic of conversation and has changed the way we live our lives.

Recently the conversations I have heard have been about what is the right thing to do. If I’m vaccinated, can I do this? How should vaccinated and unvaccinated people interact? When will I get the vaccine? How long will this last? So many questions are focused on what is the right thing to do for myself and for others.

While pondering all these questions, a colleague sent me an article from TIME called “We’re in the Third Quarter of the Pandemic. Antarctic Researchers, Mars Simulation Scientists, and Navy Submarine Officers Have Advice for How to Get Through It” by Tara Law.


The article says that the “third quarter phenomeon” was first named by researchers in 1991 who were observing people living in cold climates who had no choice but to isolate due to the weather. They noted changes in the moods of people nearing the end of their time of isolation. Whilte this is still a theory, it might apply to how some of us are feeling in this 3rd Quarter of COVID-19. Vaccines are rolling out. Restrictions are easing. The weather is improving. What are we to do?

This article talks about the similiarties people felt in isolation and encourages the reader to be aware of how one is feeling. As we can see the light beginning to peak out at the end of the tunnel, you may find yourself “irritable, unhappy, or otherwise off”. This is because we are all tired of how it has been, looking ahead to what is coming, and tired of putting in the extra effort required to continue to isolate and distance.

What helped those in the article? “Focusing on the mission.” As far as COVID-19 is concerned, our mission hasn’t changed. We want to slow the spread and keep each other safe and healthy. This article recommended caring for yourself and doing things to feed your spirit as together we live through this 3rd Quarter of COVID.

Let us pray. Holy One, we are tired. We are tired of being 6 feet apart from each other. We are tired of wearing our masks. We are tired of hand santizing and washing our hand although we will continue to do so. Give us the strength to keep on keeping on. Remind us of your love for each of us and how we are called to care for each other. Help us when it is hard. Thank you for all who have worked so dilligently to beat this virus. Help us to see our small steps as ways we support each other. In your holy name we pray. Amen.

https://time.com/5942577/third-quarter-covid-19-pandemic-advice/

Lessons Learned from My Mom

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Last week, my Mom died. I spent her final days with her. Her family surrounded her physically and with our love. Our hearts are broken. I found comfort in writing these words about her which were read at her service.

Lessons Learned from My Mom

-Love your people with your whole heart. Mom didn’t always say I love you out loud. She lived her love by being present with those she loved, by listening, by remembering. A few years ago, Becky decided she wanted her parents to say I love you out loud, so she trained them to end each phone conversation and visit with an I love you. Be like Mom and tell people you love them and make your actions match your words.

-Read a Book! We all know Mom loved to read. Her face lit up when she talked about a new book she was reading. While her husband didn’t share her love of reading, he would go with her to used book sales and repack her books so she got the most books possible in her box of books for one price and he would amuse himself in countless bookstores while Mom browsed and bought more books. In November, Mom and Susannah sorted through her vast book collection as Mom said, “I will never live long enough to read all these book.” It wasn’t a sad moment because they laughed as they realized that Mom’s personal library after sorting was still so large that it would take many lifetimes to read through. Be like Mom and read a book.

-Spoil your grandchildren. While Mom loved her husband, daughters and sons-in-law, the joy she felt for Ella and Reid was immeasurable. Grandma Marilyn as they called her made each day special for them with time for playing together and as that got harder for her plenty of time for snuggling in her chair. Grandma Marilyn was so proud of the amazing people her grandchildren are and knew they were going to do great things in their life. Be like Grandma Marilyn and spoil your grandchildren with love.

-Keep your promises. On a hot summer day in 1971, a very much younger Marilyn married Paul. And for the next 49.5 years, they were partners in life. It could not have been easy being a pastor’s wife, never living near family, moving multiple times and starting over in a new strange place, and yet Paul’s call to ministry was Marilyn’s call too. They had different temperaments and interests, and a common purpose to love each other and raise a family. And in the good times and hard times, they were there for each other. Be like Marilyn and keep your promises.

-Love your work. For many years, Mom’s work was raising her children and being involved in church. When Becky was in high school, Mom started working at Walmart. She loved the people she worked with and the people she helped. When she started, she worked overnights so she didn’t miss any of Becky’s activities or sports. When she moved to the Bloomington store, she switched to day shift. She showed up for work each day with a smile on her face and brightened the days of her coworkers and customers. She always had a fun story to tell about what happened today at Walmart. Whatever work you do, be like Mom and do it with a smile.

-Live your faith. Mom believed in living her faith by loving others and sharing what she had. Her faith was private to her, and yet it was obvious in the way she lived and the choices she made. She loved God with her whole heart and all of her neighbors as herself. Be like Mom and live your faith!

-Laugh! Mom loved to laugh. She laughed often although not too often at Dad’s bad jokes because those usually got an eye roll. When Mom really got laughing, she went into silent mode. Mom would be laughing so hard that no sound would come out and she would jiggle and her face would turn bright red. When that happened you had to laugh along because you knew it was funny. The world needs more laughter, be like Mom and laugh.

-Be strong. Mom was never one to complain. She dealt with pain, the challenges of her illness, and the unknown with strength. As we are all here grieving, try to be strong like Mom.

Mom and I laughing together in December.

Life Lessons from a Six-Year-Old!

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Today is my nephew’s 6th birthday. As I have aged, I have found it easier and easier to rush through life from one task to the next without pausing for fun or noticing the world around me. The younger people in my life remind me to slow down and have fun. 

So in honor of his 6 years on earth, I share with you 6 life lessons I have learned from my nephew.

1-Always order dessert when offered! It doesn’t matter if you can finish the whole dessert. Life is filled with many sweet things and we should enjoy them.

Making dirt cake for Grandma!

2-Be crafty! For Christmas, I got this little guy, 6 rolls of Scotch tape because he loves to take a cardboard box, some scissors, and a roll of tape and be creative. You don’t have to make a cardboard car or a holder for your Aunt’s socks without mates. You can look at regular object around your house and find ways to give them new life. Be like Crafty Sam.

Cardboard box, scissors, and tape!

3-Use your cute eyes! Whenever my nephew wants something special like Grandpa’s mac’n’cheese or some extra play time, we encourage him to use his cute eyes. He’ll stop what he is doing and look right at you with the sweetest look on his face. It makes me wonder what if we took the time to look at each other when asking for a favor or help. Slow down and look at another person. See their humanity.

Cute eyes!

4-Say I’m sorry! Lest you think I view my nephew as a perfect child, let me assure you that this energetic 6 year old gets in trouble more than his parents would prefer. He has learned to say he is sorry when he hurts someone else. Do any of us need a reminder today to apologize when we have caused hurt? And maybe a reminder to simply say I’m sorry without excuses-just say I’m sorry when someone else needs to hear it. It isn’t easy when you are six and it isn’t any easier for those of us who are older.

I’m sorry!

5-There’s always time for fun! If you let my nephew plan the activities for a day, be prepared to-run around chasing him or being chased, eat three meals plus snacks, make a craft, run more, build a fort, walk through the woods, run again, color and then run, take a five minute rest which is about 30 seconds for him and then do the whole list again while also playing with dinosaurs, building a puzzle, having a stuffie fight (which means you are tossing stuffed animals at each other and laughing a lot). Just a regular day planned by someone who is 6. I hope you see in that plan that there is always time for fun. How might you add some fun to your day?

Blanket Fort!

6-Say I love you! Everyone wants to hear I love you and it feels good to tell someone you love them. If you aren’t in the habit of saying I love you, why not try it? We all want to know we are loved.

I love you, Grandma!

So that’s your to do list for today-have some dessert, be creative, use what you’ve got, say I’m sorry, make time for fun, and say I love you.

Pray with me.

Creative One, You love us and call us to love others and ourselves. You made us creative beings and ask us to use the gifts we have been given. You created laughter and fun and encourage us to find joy in our days. You remind us to ask for forgiveness when we have done wrong. Continue to walk with us on this journey of life and open our eyes to see those who are brightening our paths by their very presence. Amen.

Getting Through December

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We are halfway through the month of December. When I was younger, December was a month full of joy, happiness, and expectations. December meant time with relatives, once a year traditions, good food, and so much love. This wasn’t the same for everyone even when they were young. And as I have aged, I have become more aware of the range of emotions that the month of December stirs up for people. For some, December is a month filled with grief and sadness and regret and loneliness. For some, December is a time of not being able to live up to expectations. For some, December doesn’t bring the peace they long to find.

A song that sums up for me the less discussed feelings of this month is Over the Rhine’s “If We Make It Through December”-“If we make it through December
Everything’s gonna be alright I know
It’s the coldest time of winter
And I shiver when I see the falling snow

If we make it through December
Got plans to be in a warmer town come summertime
Maybe even California
If we make it through December we’ll be fine”


I invite you to keep this idea in your mind as you move about the next half of the month. For so many this month won’t look like they have hoped-families may be celebrating via Zoom instead of together, empty seats will remind us of the loved ones who are no longer with us, finances may be tighter than other years, fears of illness may be causing additional stress, and so many other stresses and worries and fears and concerns and possibilities may be keeping people up at night. And if none of this is true for you, it is true for someone you know and love.

So as much as I would love to end with some cheerful words to made everything work out perfectly like the end of a perfectly scripted Hallmark movie (that was not an attack on Hallmark movies which bring much joy to so many), I am going to ask us to do the hard work. I am going to encourage you to sit with the hard feelings and not rush past them. When this month doesn’t meet your expectations, live in that feeling for awhile. When you are missing your loved ones, focus on the memories for a bit and allow yourself to be sad or cry or miss them. When you can’t imagine how things will work out, be angry and live in the heartbreak. And when you are ready, reach out to someone and share how you are feeling, write your feelings down, say out loud that the month of December is hard for you. If none of what you have read mirrors the way you have ever felt in December, I encourage you to be on the look out for those for whom these words ring true. They need you this month.

Hear again the words of the song as our benediction.

“If we make it through December
Everything’s gonna be alright I know
It’s the coldest time of winter
And I shiver when I see the falling snow

If we make it through December
Got plans to be in a warmer town come summertime
Maybe even California
If we make it through December we’ll be fine” Amen!

Giving Thanks

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We can all agree that this Thanksgiving is not like ones we have known in the past. I am not going to tell you how to celebrate this year as you can find many other places and people who have shared information about what are the best choices to make for the holidays.

Instead I want you to be aware of your emotions as you navigate the coming days.

What are you grieving? Write or verbalize those traditions that are not happening for you this year and how you feel about these changes.

Where are you giving thanks? Write or verbalize the people, places, things for which you are giving thanks today.

Where are you finding joy? Write or verbalize the current times you feel joy or memories that bring you joy.

Where are you having moments of peace? Write or verbalize when you feel peace and allow yourself to linger in your feelings of peace.

Let yourself feel the emotions that this reflection brings up. Cry, laugh, scream, smile, and do what you need to do as you live with the emotions that come up this holiday.

Counting Down Sleeps

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I shared a version of this reflection with my coworkers at Coastal Hospice as part of our ongoing weekday inspirational calls. I am thankful for those calls where I can hear the reflections and prayers of my colleagues as well as take the time to reflect and write from my heart.

When I was young, my paternal grandmother was the epitome of a grandmother. She baked my favorite cookies. She read me bedtime stories. She rocked dolls and ate pretend meals cooked up by my sister and me. She took us to church each Sunday. She loved her grandchildren fiercely.

Sadly, I never had the privilege of living close to either set of my grandparents. Instead we would spend about a month each summer with each side of the family. While I didn’t see my grandparents on a daily basis, I was part of their daily lives for a month each summer and then for shorter visits throughout the year.

In order to help her grandchildren prepare for an upcoming event, my grandmother taught us to countdown the sleeps until a big day. Instead of how many days until we visited, we would be asked how many sleeps until a visit?

I have attempted to pass this way of anticipating an upcoming exciting event down to my niece and nephew. I want them to know the same excitement I felt as a child when I was too excited to sleep when waiting for something good to happen.

And recently my heart was warmed and I began to feel that same excitement when my mother said, how many more sleeps? I did the countdown and shared the number.

My mother’s question is a reminder that we are never too old to count down sleeps in anticipation of something which is worth the wait!

You are welcome to borrow our family ritual and start counting down the sleeps. Or create a ritual of your own that helps you feel that sense of excitement as you prepare yourself for someone or something worth the wait!

God, We want things instantly. We are not good at waiting. Slow us down. Remind us that waiting is preparing. In waiting we may learn. Help us to move from our time to your time and trust in your goodness. Give us patience in a world that doesn’t always have time for patience. Slow us down as we begin to count toward those things and people worth the wait. Amen.

Grandma and two of her granddaughters.

Return to What You Love

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Have you had a time in your life when you didn’t want to do something you enjoyed doing? A time when you lacked the energy and ambition to do something which normally feeds your soul? You might have noticed that the hours turned into days and the days turned into weeks. I have been struggling with this lately as I have had no interest in writing. Normally, I enjoy writing reflections on life and faith, prayers and words for worship, and book reviews and then I share those writing with each one of you. We are not here to analyze why I haven’t been writing as that is not the point of this time. Instead I want to reflect on how I started writing again in the hopes that this might inspire you when you are not able to do what you long to do.


1-Give yourself time. (We all need a break now and then even from those things we feel called to do. Give yourself permission to stop for a time. Breathe deeply and be patient with yourself).


2-Reflect on what is blocking your ability to proceed. (When you are ready, take an inventory of your days. How are you spending your time and how would you like to spend your time? When your inspiration returns is there time in your schedule to do what you love? And if your reasons for taking a break from something you love are emotionally or spiritually related, talk with someone you trust who can listen and affirm you).


3-Jump, run, or walk back into that task or activity you love. (After giving yourself time, try to come back. Go as slowly or quickly as is comfortable for you. Try it. If it doesn’t feel right, return to steps one and two until you are ready. And if it fits like your favorite pair of pants, then smile and be glad and keep doing what you love).


As with all things I write, I needed this today. I am hopeful that these words might support you through a tough time and remind you that you are not alone.

Join me in prayer-
Creating God, You created us to be creative beings. Some days it is easy to be our creative selves and some days it is so hard. We delight in knowing you are here with us on the hard days as well as on our easy days. Inspire us to use the gifts you gave us for good especially for the good of others. Remind us to be kind with ourselves and with each person with whom we interact this day. In your holy name we pray. Amen.